medication

While talking with my friend Alyssa tonihgt I was reminded of rreason for medication. When most people are in pain or even worse feel nothing at all they look to medication to quell or stir something up. I will abandon the indirect nature of my first too sentences. i have often avoided tradtitional medicines. Medication for physical and emtional pain. And tonight i thoguht back over the self medicated measures I have taken over the years. When I was a teenager, I wanted to feel less. Emotions and hormones were driving me mad. I turned to video games and reruns of three company to numb. Under a blanket of inactivity and cathode ray intoxication I made it through my parent divorce and puberty. Which just happened to occur at the same time. Thus I had little knowldge or interest dating. Other than the romantic concept I had built up in my head.

During the 90's I was happier. I had an outlet for developing talent in music and theater. And I absorbed every activity. This is where I really developed a sense of self. And I didn't even know it. But unresolved anger at my father and the depression my mother and the poverty I found myself in permiated the nights. I turned to my friends and caffeine asnd 8 hour conversations about nothing at Sharis.. And then pot. my mind was racing, but for cirmcumstance, I could not find direction. I fell in love many times and never once confessed or revelaed my feeling. Then drinking. the final stage of self medication.

To to numb the feelings of loss. to enhance one's sense of courage and conviction. For love. For lack of love. To survive to the next change. To resist that change when it rears its ugly head. To blur the lines of opportunity. Converting conversation to action.

Philosophy be damned. These are the words of spring.

But This was a conversation about self medication. And I learned from a supressed spirit of a mother at a young age thatmany if not all instantanious sorrows and joys can be resolved with food. Eating. Not eating. And feeding others. Fat Suger and Salt coursing through the vains with opiate consequence.

Ice Cream with nuts and chocolate sauce now home made prozac.

Cheese... Ecstacy.

yes I have a crush. i have several. As I said,it is spring. I am remembering loves and lovers of the past. Gathering memories while meeting many lovely people every day. The warm stormy weather turns me on. The momentary sunlight on my back massages just before darting behind another cloud.

I love you. And i might just actually do something about that.